What happens when the church’s star student finally reads the fine print?

This is my story of going from an ultra-orthodox Mormon mommy blogger to public apostate.

My seriousness about the gospel might make you think this story is about a fundamentalist Mormon offshoot. Polygamy. Underage brides. One of those groups that makes mainstream Mormons say, Oh no, we’re not those Mormons.

But no.

This is a story set squarely inside mainstream Mormonism. Mitt Romney Mormonism. Ballerina Farm Mormonism. Missionaries. Polished families. Possibly your very nice neighbors who will absolutely show up when you need help moving but may or may not believe your morning latte will keep you out of heaven.

The story of my devotion and eventual apostasy is dark in places, but the telling is not. At least not everywhere.

Narrated in the voice I was at each stage of the story, humor is found in the absurdities and how very serious I was about all of it. An eighteen-year-old bride covenanting obedience to her husband. Newlywed sex education from ward friends who believed that just lying there during sex was as good as making your husband masturbate. A curbside worthiness intervention from a friend concerned about my daughter wearing a two-piece swimsuit. And, most soberingly, watching a good friend lose her place in the Church after coming out as gay.

At forty-one, while preparing to teach seminary, I lost my faith in a single afternoon.

With that collapse went my entire identity.

The second half of the story traces the messy and exhilarating rebuild: my first glass of wine, a vibrator, weed edibles eaten like Skittles followed by a stoned conviction that Satan had finally won, my first real underwear purchase, psychedelics, dancing, new friends, and all manner of grown-up experiences that I definitely missed while being Mormon.

Eventually, that exploration grew into a year centered around creativity and curiosity. My formal experiment inspired by Julia Cameron and Elizabeth Gilbert. I gave myself to whatever called to me for an entire year and called it, creatively, My Year of Curiosity — into my Instagram bio for good measure.

Although APOSTATE is deeply Mormon in its details, the heart of the story is universal:

Reaching midlife and realizing that your life was built for someone else.

For the past several years, I’ve had these conversations publicly through Faith Unraveled, a social media channel that has grown to more than 100,000 followers across platforms.

APOSTATE is complete and currently seeking traditional publication.